Oh, alright already, I already know what you're thinking. It's been quite a while since I've written anything and well...I've run out of excuses. Hmm...the title? Yeah, I know. But, it's not what you think. It's a little more complicated than that. Sure, sure...I think I'm in love...or not...I'm not making any sense? Under the circumstances, you wouldn't eitheir. My point? I'm getting there. I watched this movie on the tube last night and it made me remember all the lines that I absolutely adore. It suits me, especially now... Ah, I know you're going to ask about that. My boyfriend? Well, I don't have one anymore...sad isn't it? "Love is so short, forgetting so long"... Back to the movie! Well, this is not your typical romance. But then again, when is romance or love for that matter ever typical? Hmm...

In this scene, the stepdad, Daniel talks to his 10-year old Sam:

It was only today that i visited my blog again. Looking at the date of my last entry, I was stunned. More than a month had passed and I didn't notice it. Where did the days between that day and this day go? I stopped to think about it, carefully sifting through the clutter of memories cramping my brain.

So okay, what have I been up to?

Took a 2-day basic mountaineering course which included a trip to San Rafael in Montalban, Rizal. I learned how to tie a knot, administer CPR correctly and use a compass properly. I rapelled down a bridge more than 30 meters in height. It was scary, physically exhausting but exhilirating. However, I don't think I'd be able to do it again anytime soon. Just the thought of going over the railing of the bridge and later, hanging suspended in air with only a rope and harness to holding me is enough to make me think twice.

I've been singing Utada Hikaru's song "First Love" over and over and over in my head. Repeating the words and committing them to memory.

I spent a hellish week reacting to issues concerning the corporation. As part of the Crisis Management Task Force, I did several official statements, press releases and whatnot as a form of damage control. I think I killed at least 10 million neurons in the process.

To keep myself sane these past weeks I did not turn to writing, not really. There came a time when the mere action of forming a word became almost unbearable. To use my brain was torture! This is when I turned to online role-playing games.

I've been playing Ragnarok rather frequently. I've met new friends in-game and have been having a great time getting to know them. This is the only social activity that I've had so far. I've become somewhat of a recluse. I need to sleep. I need to sleep. I don't feel well. See? I'm rambling already...

I've turned to another form of writing, though. I resurrected my Ragnarok fan fic and its becoming quite popular with the people I play with. At least this activity keeps me in a creative frame of mind.

Lastly, this Holy Week, I'm tempted to spend the following days in deep slumber... Perhaps I could writing again. I could read more books and watch those DVDs I've bought in Quiapo but never really had the time to watch.

In closing, I'd just like to say that I hope everyone is well and have a great weekend ahead.


And now back to your regular programming...

Yes, I admit it. Mea culpa. It is wrong, wrong, wrong but I cannot help myself. Being surrounded by all those wonderful movie selections in the newly established shopping arcades of Quiapo is a sweet kind of torture. So many titles, so little time...and so little money!

Last Thursday I accidentally found myself in that part of town and discovered a new place selling pirated DVDs. Despite all efforts from the authorities to put a stop to this industry, it seems to be as productive -- and lucrative -- as ever.

I was amazed at the variety of selections the new place was selling. There were, of course, the new titles but what really caught my attention were the classics and anime series available.

There is something definitely disturbing about the way Valentine’s was celebrated this time around. Nothing outwardly discernable, though. Many don’t even realize that there is a crisis happening right under their noses.

Restaurants and bars around the metro were expectedly full to bursting. The motels did the usual brisk business. Malls were predictably decked with the requisite cut-out hearts. Radios blared schmaltz well into the next day. The air was redolent with the cloying scent of roses and it seemed everybody was running on a sugar high because of all the chocolates and candy.

Ok, nothing new there.

But, on the other hand, check out the front page of the Philippine Daily Inquirer yesterday. There was an article that reported: “More Pinoys not happy with love life, poll shows.” According to a study conducted by the Social Weather Station, only 41 percent of Filipino women and 50 percent of men are satisfied with their love lives. That is down 18 percent and 7 percent from last year, respectively.

Over-all, only 46 percent of the adult population are content with their relationships, an appalling 12 percent decline from the results two years ago. But, how about the scores of others who don’t have love lives at all?

Meanwhile, the Lovapalooza 2 held at the Manila Baywalk last Saturday was well-attended but the participants in the lip-locking event were less than half the number that smooched last year.

If this is not enough, how about the pre-Valentine supplement of another major broadsheet which featured an article on the top 10 ways to break up with somebody aside from a host of unorthodox subjects for an occasion that supposedly celebrates love in all its flagrant glory?

Heck, even Cartoon Network ran a “Don’t be my Valentine” special.

The media is often called the “pulse” of the people. So if you see it turning cynical even on exalted topics like Love, you can pretty much determine what the rest of the population is thinking.

* * *

So here I am, wondering: What on earth is going on?

With televisions shows that promise to help people find “The One” while the rest of the world watches, has love become a mere source of entertainment? Has it become commercialized?

With so many marriages and relationships failing, is it still worth to take the risk?

Has love declined into a watered-down version of itself? How did it become this elusive to the point of becoming a mere illusion? How long have people been disenchanted? How many have given up?

* * *

In my family it seems that I am the only one who has not been fortunate in love, well, romantic love at least.

My brother and his wife have been married for almost eight years and show all the signs of being still very much in love. They can’t stand being apart from each other. Heck, whenever they go out, their clothes are color coordinated.

Meanwhile, last Sunday, our parish priest invited all married couples in our community to renew their marriage vows during the celebration of Mass. My mom and dad, who have been married for almost 30 years, were one of those who went. They had bought shiny, new wedding rings to replace the ones they had accidentally lost and placed them on each others’ fingers during the ceremony.

We had lunch afterwards at Dencio’s restaurant, just the three of us. Across the table, my mom was looking as adorable and as a giddily happy as new bride, while my dad had that smug expression of one who had his arm around his greatest treasure. The love that radiated from them wrapped around me like a warm, fuzzy blanket. Just enough to make me forget the cold, empty place beside me.

* * *

Sometimes I wonder why I am alone. Why haven’t I met the guy that I could love with the same kind of soul-wrenching passion my mom and dad have for each other?

I remember the line spoken by one of the characters in the film Magnolia. He said: “I have so much love to give but I don’t know where to put it.” This is so me.

My friends often wonder about the same thing. They see me as one of the most loving and giving person they have ever met. They say that the guy that I would give my heart to will be so lucky.

Oh, I’ve given my heart away quite a few times already but it was always returned to me with a little scar or two. So for now, I am keeping it.

It’s not saying though that I want for companionship and affection from other people. In fact, I’m practically overflowing with it, thanks to my family and friends.

On the other hand, there are so many people around me that have yet to feel loved. What if God’s plan for me is not to focus on one person but to reach out to as many people that I could touch? What if my purpose in life is to teach others the kind of sincere, nurturing relationship one person can have with another?

It wouldn’t be bad then, but it would be so lonely.

What an irony this life is.

At last my article on the dynamics of the gay guy-straight girl relationship is finally...OUT! (Hehehehe...how apt!) If y' all have time to grab a copy of today's issue of the Philippine Star, you can check it out on page M-1, the pre-Valentive supplement. But, for everybody's benefit, I just reprinted it here. ^_^

The Queen of Queer

Chris is the perfect date. Whenever we go out, I can be sure that he would be impeccably dressed. He knows all the good places to eat and knows exactly what food I’d enjoy. He is a great conversationalist, charming and a gentleman right down to the fingertips. He is insightful and smart. He possesses a refreshing candor and doesn’t hold back on compliments. He has an infectious laugh and a dry sense of humor. He puts people instantly at ease with his warm, buoyant personality. He thinks I’m beautiful and most importantly, he listens to me as if I were the wittiest, most interesting woman to grace this earth.

 

He sounds dreamy and he is. So, why don’t I just go out and marry him or snatch him up before somebody else discovers what a gem he is? If only it were that simple.

 

Chris and I have the kind of relationship many people would envy. However, it would never develop into anything more than a tightly-bonded friendship. It’s not because he doesn’t love me or I, him. It’s just that we have so much in common -- and that includes a healthy, red-blooded fascination for the male species.

 

You're never, ever gonna find a friend like me

 

Grace has her Will and Karen has her Jack. Julia Roberts has Rupert Everett in My Bestfriend’s Wedding while Jennifer Aniston has Paul Rudd in The Object of My Affection. And of course, I have my Chris. These men are the new breed of homosexual hotties, who find themselves the indispensable companions of straight modern-day women. They are, as media would call them, the Gay Best Friends (GBF).

 

According to writer Leanda de Lisle from the Guardian, “The GBF exists, of course, in the way all sorts of unusual relationships exist." Come to think of it, who would have thought that a straight girl and a gay guy would actually click?

 

In an article in the Observer, meanwhile, writer Catherine Jarvie explained: “In recent years, the gay best friend has found himself a firm place in the trophy room of modern friendship. It is commonly defined as the perfect platonic relationship: supportive, non-competitive and blissfully without sexual potential, complete with -- so popular myth would have it -- a shared interest in accessorising and men."

 

Jarvie goes on further to quote the spokesman of a fashionable London gay club who explained that the reason why the straight girl-gay guy relationship is so successful is because they “respect one another" and “don't demand anything from one another."

In my own experience, the GBF, while not necessarily usurping the role of the female best friend, holds a very special place in a woman’s heart. He is the only male you know that understands what you feel without trying to explain it. He feels what you feel and loves as you love. He knows exactly how to treat a woman. He is never stingy when expressing his affection and is thoughtful in more ways than you can count.

On top of that, he can give you an insightful look into the male psyche while teaching you a hundred-and-one ways to please a man. He can be romantic, protective and possessive like any other guy of your acquaintance. It’s like having the best of both worlds -- you get to enjoy the companionship of a guy who happens to be perfectly “in tune" with your personality just like your closest female friends.

 

And whatever you do...don’t fall in love!

 

The straight girl-gay guy may sound like a match made in heaven but it does present its own drawbacks. What if, horror of horrors, you fall for the same guy? Or worse, what if you fall in love with your gay best friend?

 

“The first rule of a gay/straight relationship is to stop secretly desiring your camp companion. He is not gay because he hasn't met the right women yet and no amount of flirting is going to get him to fall in love with you!" advised Lotte Jeffs, a writer for www.handbag.com.

 

I wish someone told me this years ago, when I made a mistake of falling for one of my gay friends. I was also miserable because I knew that the relationship I wanted with him was never going to happen. This misery turned into bitterness and I began to resent him. When he realized this, he drew back from me.

 

Thankfully, though, I got over him we became friends once more. I promised myself never to fall into that trap again.

 

On the other hand, even though you do not fall in love with your gay best friend, the kind of closeness you share could possibly threaten your “legitimate" relationship.

 

“Straight men have been known to get envious of a gay man's relationship with their girlfriend. They can feel threatened as, let's face it, he's probably better looking, better dressed and more in tune with her emotions, so shouldn't they have a reason to be?" Jeffs pointed out in her article.

 

Meanwhile, Catherine Jarvie quotes the editor of a gay lifestyle magazine, Adam Mattera: “There’s a way that both people in that friendship can be with one another that they can't be with other people. If they've been friends for a long time, they may have a really strong bond that may be even stronger than it would be in a same-sex friendship. Often they're very physical with one another, very tactile, very intimate; I wouldn't be surprised if someone coming in from the outside found it threatening."

 

“Jealously leads to conflict; so be careful. Make time for both the men in your life and try and form a friendship between them. This way they can understand each other and their needs from you in each relationship," Jeffs advised.

 

Where art thou Romeo?

 

I’ve been around gay guys for so long that people are starting to wonder if I’m even interested in having a boyfriend. Of course I am but come to think of it, why don’t I have one now? Does it have to do with the fact that I’m happily content with the love and affection that I receive from the GBF? Why settle for a jerk who won’t give you the time of day when you have a veritable prince on your side, except that he fancies other princes himself?

 

So okay, I admit, maybe being too attached to my gay friends is putting a damper on my love life.

 

Who could blame me, after all, when my gay friends are more quintessentially male than any straight guy I know? When my GBF has had more boyfriends than I and it seems that 50 percent of the male population is either gay or in denial? 

I’m still searching for that special someone, though. After all, for all the love Chris and my other gay friends could give me, they can never really satisfy that most basic need of being appreciated as, well -- female.

 

However, until that time that I find my guy: Diamonds, move over. This girl’s got a new best friend and he’s as every bit as shiny and glamorous as you are.

Tomorrow Chris and I are going out for a pre-Valentine's "date." Sigh...gotta love that guy!

Just before the weekend started my good friend shiro urged me to get some writing done. It's not that I don't have anything to write about. On the contrary, I'd like to write about my trip to Pico de Loro last week, and the sidebar stories that go with it like how adobo tastes while savored at a height of 2,000 feet or how I made like Spiderman, clambering up a stone face to reach the summit.

Then of course there is this intriguing writing assignment I got from my friend, Ayvi, who edits the supplements section of the Philippine Star. For their Valentine issue she asked me to write an article on whether it is true or not that single women who are constantly in the company of gay men find it doubly hard to find/get a man. It's not saying that its bad to have gay friends or that this premise is entirely true. In my case, for example, I find that my gay friends are more the quintessential male than most guys I know. I guess some straight guys I've met don't quite measure up to my dearest friends. But more on that...next time. ^_^

To shiro, I know that you told me to "write first, Tantra later." Sorry, ol' chap, the temptation was too much. Dui bu jie! Gomen! Lolz. Don't worry, though. By the end of the week I'd have something to show for na.

When something turns out great, you feel double the satisfaction because you never had your hopes up raised in the first place

Nobody would ask you for answers to their problems

Every good thing is a surprise

Every bad thing is expected

You don’t have to worry about the outcome of something (e.g. relationships) because you already know what it is going to be

You become frugal in investing – material or immaterial things

You’re not expected to be so damn perky all the time

If the worse happens, you’d be the first to say: “I told you so.”

You accept things, even the most painful ones, with a shrug of a shoulder

It makes living in THIS world easier.

Over breakfast the other day my mom and I had a conversation about our next-door neighbors. This family -- a man and his wife and two kids -- were the bane of our neighboorhood. They were loud and obnoxious. Especially now that their 17-year-old daughter was working and was able to buy them the things that they were deprived of. More food on the table. Brand new clothes. Cellphones, one for each of them. The man would sometimes call someone on his cellphone and talk very, very loudly. He made sure that everyone knew he had that special, special gadget.

The other day, the wife, the mother, was talking to a neighbor. She was telling the neighbor -- no, bragging -- how she was so proud of her daughter. Her daughter had the enviable job of working in a bar in Makati. Aba, just the other night she received 100,000 pesos from a British man, who took a fancy to her. Imagine that? They were rich! She was so very proud.

In horrified silence, the neighbor could only stare back at the woman.

Even the younger son, a boy of 15, was telling his friends how rich they were, because his big sister was now working.

I hardly see the girl these days. She works at night.

But she was so lucky. Her family was so proud of her.

Dec. 26, 2004
5:50 p.m.

Pam, Iris and I stood on the curb at the corner of Sto. Domingo St. and Del Monte Avenue, waiting for a taxi. The streets were almost deserted, save for a few cars and jeepneys. Near us, a long line of tricycles waited for passengers, their drivers having a leisurely chat. My friends and I, too, were laughing and talking, unmindful of the danger that was just waiting to happen.

Suddenly, there was the roar of an engine coming to life. From the corner of my eye, I saw a motorcycle pass by me, much too close. Something snagged at my left arm...no, pulled... Belatedly, I realized the motorcycle shouldn't be ON the sidewalk.

Reflexively, my left hand tightened its hold on what it was holding, I half-turned but whatever it was that was pulling me didn't let go. There was a rip and the large paper bag bearing my newly-received gifts fell to the ground. I let go... my shoulder throbbing by now... It was only then that it registered in my mind... NO... God, no... my bag... my HAND BAG containing my valuables -- my cellphone, my ATM and credit cards, my money, my IDs... all gone.

Two guys on a motorcycle.

I watched helplessly as they sped away at full speed. The guy behind the driver turned his head and looked back. Bastard.

The tricycle drivers rushed to our side. You should have screamed, they said. I couldn't, it happened so fast. We thought they were just resting, one concerned bystander put in. I didn't notice... Pam and Iris looked at me, for a minute, not realizing what had just happened. Then it dawned on them... shock came later. My mind went blank. I began to shiver a little. My hand stung as if burned. It was empty.

Someone suggested that we report the incident to the police. Conveniently, a police station was just a FEW METERS AWAY. Imagine that? I was so lucky.

We reported the incident. My hand still shook. My friends calmed me down. My voice broke a little.

One police ON DUTY had the presence of mind to ask: How much money was in the bag? I began to answer but Iris stopped me. I didn't see the avarice shining in his eyes. Perhaps, she did.

The police at the desk made a call. A few minutes later he instructed us to go to the central police station nearby. "We only take reports," he said as he escorted us out. "Don't worry, they are waiting for you at the other station," he added. He hailed a taxi for us.

By passing, I noticed how neatly their police car was parked just outside the outpost.

At the central police station we met the inspector. RELOX, his nameplate said. He was a funny guy, cracked jokes to make me feel at ease. "Where did you study?" he asked me. Though I didn't see how it mattered, I answered: "UST".

"Now, you are a graduate of UE," he said.

Huh?

"University of Experience."

"Oh." Ha-ha.

He asked me my name, where I lived, what I did for a living and I hesitated... did I want to tell him? Then I noticed the button he wore: KOTONG with a big red slash running across it. I told him what he needed to know.

"Look, to make you feel better, let me read something to you," he said, flipping through his logbook.

Just a few days ago, a woman's handbag was snatched by two men on a motorcycle... the victim was dragged for several meters...

"Yes," Iris put in, "and don't forget my officemate. A thief snatched her cellphone but she fought back. The man pushed her against a truck and she hit her head hard. Now, she has lost her sense of smell and taste. She could be eating spoiled food and she wouldn't know it. Whenever we ate out, we had to describe to her what the food tasted like. Give her lasagna and give her a piece of cardboard -- they would taste the same."

Good Lord...

After finishing up the report, we took our leave.

"If you have any more problems or questions, remember my name," he said.

Yep, RELOX. "Thank you," I said.

Later, standing outside the police station I asked my friends what we were going to do next.

"Let's still do what we planned. Eat out. Sing karaoke."

"I don't have any money with me..." I said softly.

"Don't worry, we will take care of everything," they said, their arms linking at my waist.

Despite everything... I am lucky.

Taking my cue from shiko-sanI visited the Googlism site and this is what it told me:

Googlism for: mayan


mayan is determined to work his way up
mayan is proud to offer a select number of quality hand crafted products direct from guatemala
mayan is one of the few theatres remaing that captures the old magic of movie
mayan is spoken frequently
mayan is used for afternoon relaxing and nighttime sleeping
mayan is today one of the largest independent international forwarding agents in israel
mayan is technically correct only for the language
mayan is perfect just for one or it will easily accommodate your entire family (whazza?)
mayan is in the center page of lost treasure may 87
mayan is a wonderfully preserved relic from the age of pre... (I knew it! I'm ancient!)
mayan is the incredible view of "el castillo"
mayan is much more than a place to get something to eat (Oh, yeah. I do massages, too ^_^)
mayan is spoken throughout the mexican territory while 23 dialects are heard into belize and guatemala and as far west as the pacific
mayan is 31st meaning he desperately needs to earn some points in order to avoid another run
mayan is still spoken as the first language
mayan is located along a stretch of the most spectacular white sand beach in all of mexico
mayan is maya
mayan is today one of the largest independent international forwarding and customs agents in israel
mayan is a luxurious 5
mayan is a medium
mayan is seen as jack lemmon and jack
mayan is tzek'eb
mayan is often pronounced like the hard spainish /c/ and has a /s/ sound
mayan is filled with phonetic symbols
mayan is an interior resort located in the cayo district of western belize
mayan is the only dedicated dive resort/eco
mayan is something that is within the heart and spirit (*Awwwwwww....shucks....)
mayan is more than the color of the skin
mayan is based on the following numbers
mayan is ideally located near everywhere you want to be in cancun
mayan is truly the world's best mega club
mayan is expected to draw a capacity crowd as people witness a super sexy theme party like no other (Yeah, baby!)
mayan is a must see if you are visiting or new to los angeles
mayan is the parent company
mayan is a sun (I am, I am!)
mayan is doing an excellent job to promote the event and salsa in general (Arriiiiibbbbbaaa!)
mayan is in the center of cancun's finest beach and features an oversized freshwater pool
mayan is a litter sister to foxglove ashburton casablanca
mayan is at her best with people who are alonemayan is included in the collection which will be on sale during the national review of live
mayan is a natural paradise surrounded by lakes
mayan is a visual feastmayan is also a fairly tough climb
mayan is ••••
mayan is also missing
mayan is kiken
mayan is now a nightclub
mayan is definitely a great club
mayan is an expandable open weave
mayan is also evident in the folklore
mayan is fairly prominent as seen from such words as "sakbe" which is certainly from the mayan word "sacbeob"
mayan is mainly spoken by the lower socio
mayan is called ak'in
mayan is older
mayan is something that is in the heart and spirit — not just created by the color
mayan is known as a kin
mayan is
mayan is still closely tied to the land
mayan is "a most uncommon dining experience (*guffaw)
mayan is my
mayan is 54 km long and has an area of 145 square miles (Good, Lord! I'm not that big...)
mayan is very sacred
mayan is cool (*'nuff said!)